Chapter 3: Tearing Down The Walls

"Tap, tap, tap".... Here I sit in the office, fingers held hovering above my keyboard thinking of the words I wish to put into this blog of mine. It's apparent my creative juices aren't flowing as well as I would have it.

Mind in an alliance with my heart, puts a squeeze on thoughts held deep inside, forbidding my inner voices from flooding the screen in front of me with contents of a cruel nature... a depressing march of texts filled with sorrow & pain...

I'm reduced to silence as I listen to the escaping whispers urging to be written before the warden comes & locks them back up again.

Recalling days past the last 2 weeks, leaning back on my rather small but still... comfy office chair, I smile to the ceiling as my mind wonders to relive that which I've longed for... a sense of belonging.

Birthdays have past, outings gone on & plans made are all but memories now... Dare I dismiss such experiences? It is after all, in my nature to not get too attached... to have nothing that could hold me back.... a weakness that causes me to fall... to have liabilities.

But a strange feeling flows through the very veins in which my life depends on for survival.... What is this unfamiliar intruder I have not felt before?

No.... not an intruder.... a forgotten part of me perhaps...

Faces of friends fade in & out... each with a smile I have sorely missed... Discarded through my own actions for self-protection in the past.

My phone rings. Dropped call. Phew.... I'm not in a mood to handle assholes today. Turning up Kevin Lyttle's 'Turn Me On' track I move back into position again, pressing hard against the chair, hands behind my head... What the hell is that?! Oh... just another daddy-long legs making its way across the ceiling.

Back I go, diving into my shallow pool of endless wonderment. A thought enters... finally a break! Something got past the blockade!

It brings me to the people whom I've somehow harbored feelings for. A wanting for acceptance.... of understanding.... How will I obtain such a dream? What can I do for such a wish to be granted?.....

..............................A feeble attempt to achieve such a goal...................................

I sit back up now, to face my computer, it's reflection is that of a young man smiling with ease...

For I know now that I have long been accepted & still slowly being understood. All that is required, my effort into allowing such a relationship to blossom in the hearts of my dearest. I shall tend to my garden of neglect, weeding out paranoia & fear... maybe in time... it will heal... and the first sign of rejuvenation will unravel itself in the form of a striving rosebud... a chance once more, for redemption.

-This is dedicated to all my friends, may you find forgiveness to spare. I was a fool, I know now that falling isn't my biggest fear.... but to have no one catch you is. -