Chapter 5: Morning Glory...

A ray of light escapes through the drapes which hang over my windows... settled upon my face, it beckons me to rise from that which I escape to every night.... my dreams...

Days... weeks... months... passes by ever so slowly...... it has been a while since I've woken up & the first sight to behold was that of my beloved.

Now in the arms of someone better. Someone, claimed to be deserving of her love... A losing war I finally gave into... for the better? A lie which torments me....

So as dawn breaks each morning, similar to this one, a silent prayer is said once more as I open my eyes in hopes of that which I long for. A lover.

Sigh... an empty space.... my usual companion who moved in with me 10 months ago.... a tenant that filled the space left behind by her...

Guess I'll lay down a little while longer, maybe play the "blinking game" with the ceiling.... somehow I can't figure out why I always lose at this...

It's a beautiful day, possibly, since all that's visible from by bed o'solitude is a room of reminders..... of another time.....

Another day just like the others, a test of will, fought hard, to uphold as I search for another that maybe......... just maybe....... will be my mornings & nights....

I'll just have to bare every sunrise & sunset alone...... for now...

Chapter 4: Waiting For Daddy...

Mommy had Chinese food tonight for dinner... Daddy is talking, his voice seems calm & assuring... Pity I can't hear the words clearly. The conversation is muffled but I'm not interested in what's being said... only that I get to be together with them both as I spend my time in this dark cradle. I don't know how I got here... only that when I could hear, it was their voices which spoke to me... When I could feel, it was their love & warmth I received...

"Ouch!" I guess mommy isn't used to this... Wish she didn't plow herself onto the couch each time... Here comes daddy... hehehe... snuggle time, I feel like I'm being squished.... but it's fine.

How much longer do I have to wait till my eyes can gaze upon their faces.... Not much longer I hope...

Aaahhhhhh...... till then, I'll lay patiently & wait...

What the? Josephine?! Who's that??

"Josephine is a nice name... I like it"...... "No.... something else..."

Wonder who those two are talking about.... me maybe? I don't think I have a name.... do I? Oh well, time to get some sleep... Here's a little head's up for the duo....

"Whoah... I guess she's getting angry with our arguing... boy, does she have a temper!" replies mommy........."She gets that from you... hahaha"

They get the message... peace & quiet at last...

Weeks pass.... I'm getting impatient... Guess it's gonna be a little while longer..... Maybe I'll sleep some more...

Wh... What.............I feel..... strange today... like I'm getting weaker... Hearing worsening... Mommy is crying.... I don't hear daddy.... where is he? So sleepy...... so tired...... maybe I'll shut my eyes for a while.......................

........Boy I'm hungry! Time to wake up!.........

Who turned on the lights?! So bright.... hurts my eyes...... Wait a minute, someone's arms are wrapped around me.... mommy?! daddy?!

"Hi there!" an unfamiliar voice..... my eyes focus, no.... it's not mommy.... I've never seen mommy before.... but I know this isn't her....

"Where am I?" I ask....

"You're home now...." says the lady.... she seems nice enough.... but who is she?

"Where are my mommy & daddy?", i ask... "Well, unfortunately they can't come home for a while... but you can visit them if you like!" and suddenly I'm in a different place... not so bright... good! Not used to so much light....

Hey it's daddy! He's sitting down & writing something.... wonder what hat could be.... Maybe just a peek...... hehehe he can't see me, must be something the nice lady did. Ok.... here we go, time to see what daddy has got there....

          Dear Josephine,

     My heartaches as I write this, dedicating it to the short time you were around & the love you shared with us. I love you very, very much & miss you daily... Mommy does as well, she's still getting over your departure. But I tell her everyday that you are safe now & in good hands. 

     Waiting patiently till we are all a family again. I want you to know that when we decided to send you away, it wasn't because of you. God how I wish it there was some simpler way to explain this... but I can't seem to find the words while trying to fight back tears of pain which have finally reached its brim. 

     Know that we think of you everyday & look forward to seeing you again... We pray for you everyday & sometimes try to imagine you in our lives. I hope one day, when we do meet you can find it in your heart to forgive us for abandoning you... But know that when you left, a piece of us went with you as well. 

     Till we meet again my darling daughter.....

                                                                                    Forever Yours,

                                                                                    Daddy

I don't understand.... what does this mean???  The nice lady explains to me everything. At some points I shield my ears not wanting to hear the truth.... but I must.

What was needed to be said has been done. I sit now, alone... wondering... hoping... wishing...

Thinking of daddy's letter, I giggle..... thinking to myself.... when he comes home, I'll make sure he makes up for it. Can't seem to be angry at him... Must get that from mommy....

Chapter 3: Tearing Down The Walls

"Tap, tap, tap".... Here I sit in the office, fingers held hovering above my keyboard thinking of the words I wish to put into this blog of mine. It's apparent my creative juices aren't flowing as well as I would have it.

Mind in an alliance with my heart, puts a squeeze on thoughts held deep inside, forbidding my inner voices from flooding the screen in front of me with contents of a cruel nature... a depressing march of texts filled with sorrow & pain...

I'm reduced to silence as I listen to the escaping whispers urging to be written before the warden comes & locks them back up again.

Recalling days past the last 2 weeks, leaning back on my rather small but still... comfy office chair, I smile to the ceiling as my mind wonders to relive that which I've longed for... a sense of belonging.

Birthdays have past, outings gone on & plans made are all but memories now... Dare I dismiss such experiences? It is after all, in my nature to not get too attached... to have nothing that could hold me back.... a weakness that causes me to fall... to have liabilities.

But a strange feeling flows through the very veins in which my life depends on for survival.... What is this unfamiliar intruder I have not felt before?

No.... not an intruder.... a forgotten part of me perhaps...

Faces of friends fade in & out... each with a smile I have sorely missed... Discarded through my own actions for self-protection in the past.

My phone rings. Dropped call. Phew.... I'm not in a mood to handle assholes today. Turning up Kevin Lyttle's 'Turn Me On' track I move back into position again, pressing hard against the chair, hands behind my head... What the hell is that?! Oh... just another daddy-long legs making its way across the ceiling.

Back I go, diving into my shallow pool of endless wonderment. A thought enters... finally a break! Something got past the blockade!

It brings me to the people whom I've somehow harbored feelings for. A wanting for acceptance.... of understanding.... How will I obtain such a dream? What can I do for such a wish to be granted?.....

..............................A feeble attempt to achieve such a goal...................................

I sit back up now, to face my computer, it's reflection is that of a young man smiling with ease...

For I know now that I have long been accepted & still slowly being understood. All that is required, my effort into allowing such a relationship to blossom in the hearts of my dearest. I shall tend to my garden of neglect, weeding out paranoia & fear... maybe in time... it will heal... and the first sign of rejuvenation will unravel itself in the form of a striving rosebud... a chance once more, for redemption.

-This is dedicated to all my friends, may you find forgiveness to spare. I was a fool, I know now that falling isn't my biggest fear.... but to have no one catch you is. -

Chapter 2: Dream Of A Child

A soft warm touch upon the sleeping child's chest awakens him from his slumber... his eyes struggle to regain focus so as to see the face in front of him. As his sight unveils a mother's smile, greeting him during an autumn's dawn. He smiles back, remembering her warmth & undying devotion to loving him, which awaits him every awakening. She pulls back the covers, beckoning him to what awaits him downstairs.... a meal prepared.

"Thud!" Goes the floorboards, as he rises & zig-zags his way to the bathroom... watching out for furniture in his path. Trying to regain awareness of his surroundings... No effort necessary for such a feat. For closely behind him strolls his mother, eyes fixed on his every movement... ready to leap in & parry off harm in any form.

Seated by a window, he stares out into the streets.... littered with nature's withered yesterdays... A mailman rides past, guess nothing for them today... Mother, father & child walking the pavement, hand in hand... giggles, laughter & glee are exchanged between them... He turns to face the table as mother lays before him an array of choice grub arranged on a white plate with silver rings. Bacon, sausages, scrambled eggs & toast.... mmmmm.... toast with jam... delectable!

As he eats, mother watches... a smile escapes her gentle lips whenever food falls or when milk decides to leave its markings on the boy. Without missing a beat, she wipes off the mess never taking her eyes of her child... There is no greater feel, than a mother's love.

Suddenly, a flash of lightning bolts down from the skies... thunder not far behind, bellowing through the air.... all of a sudden the child is surrounded by night. He's frightened... afraid of what lurks within the shadows.... "Mommy? Where are you?" No answer... the silence is broken only by the child's breathing.... "I'm scared... Where are you?" Nothing.

He plops his shivering body on the floor... crawling on all fours.... fearful of that which cannot be seen... Inching his way while feeling for something familiar to grab on to... Success! A leg in his grasp! Sense of relief showers over him as he looks up to smile at his mother...

Poor child, this truely wasn't his day... for as he gazed up into the darkness awaiting that familiar face to breakthrough & greet him, all his hopes were only met with eyes burning red like fire.... lips dry & peeling.... a grin, sinister & mocking shun down on him...

"She's with me now..." says the fiend. "She belongs to me..."

"Who....who are you mister?" questioned the child as tears flow down his cheeks...

"Never you mind... She's mine now... For all the sins she's done. That, is her ultimate punishment...." its voice trails away into the dark, leaving the child alone once more...

"Please don't take my mommy..." begs the child... "She's a good person."

It is useless.... The child is alone, hands covering his face... in disbelief that his mother had sins to pay... But who was this piper who laid claim to his mother?

A voice appears through the air....

"Wake up... wake up sweetie... come on honey...."

A dream?! Yes! Maybe.... just maybe.... This was all a nightmare!

 The child awakens... A face appears... it's not mother, but a woman dressed in what appears to be a nurse's uniform. The child is confused, where is his mother? Where's her warmth? Her smile? Her gentle touch?

He lays there... lost...

The television is on.... he stares at it trying to focus on listening to the reporter in front of him...

The truth is unveiled.

"Last night a mother of four went on a bloodbath and killed her entire family. She slit the throats of her 2, 5 & 8 year old children. Luckily Thomas, the forth child, was saved by his father who lost his life while protecting the child, the estranged wife stabbed him numerous times in the back as he huddled over his son to shield him from his mother. Reports say that she was suffering from chronic depression & was prone to violent behavior. Our hearts go out to the sole survivor of this massacre... Little Thomas."

The child's blood ran cold.... jaws dropped, hands shaking.... his mind collapses. All that's left now is a body, alive & well... but with a dead soul...

Do we really know anyone as well as we think we do? Or is it just convincing illusions we create of others to shield the reality we dare not face?

Chapter 1 : The Wondering Soul

As I wondered the earthly realms, searching for a reason... I look back now to the actions taken, thoughts risen & influences given into. Has purpose of my being really slipped away through the fingers I hold in front of me, stained with sin & cursed to be a reminder of mistakes bared? My feet are heavy, pulling behind me chains I locked on during my journeys... my breath slow, a fight to gasp clean breathes of chance, perhaps.

As I walk the ground beneath my soles, I think back to how I spent my life alone... hiding everything deep inside. Has my loneliness been self inflicted? Or inflicted upon by others? Dare I blame society? Culture perhaps? Maybe influences faced..... I drown now in these thoughts... gasping for air....

A stranger approaches, from a distance... no one I know or want to remember.... My eyes grow attached to his silhouette as my mind wonders who could this other be... wandering the grounds I so pray to be lifted away from. Closer & closer this figure of curiosity gets when finally lips and eyes are all that emerges visible from the hood he wore. "Hello there!" Says the stranger... "You look like to are in a dire state to belong..."

I stare in awe, questioning the possibilities of how he could come about guessing, no... KNOWING my deepest wish. "How did you know? Who are you?" I ask, all the while fixated on figuring out who this mysterious stranger was...

"I know many things, I know your sorrows... your pains... regrets... I know you tire from your journeys which you consider pointless.... May I offer you salvation perhaps?"

A smile fights to put itself across my face, "Yes... Yes... I want salvation! I want a sense of belonging! Please oh stranger! Can there such hope? Give it to me! Deliver into my hands the answers!"

Suddenly a shiver escapes from under my skin... the once seemingly calm stranger now glows with an aura I fear was my doing... it feels cold... The relief I felt moments ago is know exchanged with fear... A voice, unlike the one which came from this "stranger".... is now deep & menacing.

"Give?! Deliver?! How dare you!!! You lived a part of your life adding more & more weight to your conscience, you committed sins that has stained your credibility... tarnished a reputation you could have had if you did what was necessary to achieve it. When you decided it was a "lost cause", you ran away... alone... taking pity upon yourself which you did not deserve! And when finally someone offers you a way to something better, you assumed it was a gift which required no effort on your part?! You expected to be given rather than to earn what you apparently prayed for?!"

I fear my life has now come to an end... As the "stranger"  looms over me, I shut my eyes awaiting some sort of judgment, the last thing I shall ever hear for a long time from anyone was spoken... "Your soul belongs to me now, since you have no reason & lost all purpose to have one. I shall keep & do with it however I so choose."

Now, every time I open my eyes, all I see is darkness.... an abyss banished to. For all eternity to suffer like how I lived my life... alone.

Who was this mysterious stranger? Is this a lesson? A sentence? I waste not much energy trying to figure it out... since I am now... & forever.... his to control.